


Guardian Angel

by Rose_SK



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Counsellor Castiel, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Veteran Dean, could be triggering for some, implied suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2019-04-28 06:05:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14442978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rose_SK/pseuds/Rose_SK
Summary: “Hello, welcome to the National Suicide Prevention Line. Please understand that your call is important to us and will be dealt with confidentially. If you are a veteran, press 1. If you speak Spanish, press 2. For any other matters, please hold the line as a counsellor will be with you shortly”Dean closed his eyes, took a deep breath and pressed the number 1 key on his phone.OR How Veteran Dean found salvation in the voice of an angel.





	Guardian Angel

“Hello, welcome to the National Suicide Prevention Line. Please understand that your call is important to us and will be dealt with confidentially. If you are a veteran, press 1. If you speak Spanish, press 2. For any other matters, please hold the line as a counsellor will be with you shortly”

Dean closed his eyes, took a deep breath and pressed the number 1 key on his phone. The welcome message was followed by a light tune, probably intended to be uplifting, and while he waited for someone to take the line, Dean wondered when he had sunk so low. He had usually been able to deal with his PTSD well since coming back from Afghanistan. However, with Sam getting married to Jessica in less than a month, Dean did not wish to bother him with his personal problems. Sam had a wedding to plan, and a honeymoon to organise as well. Dean… well, Dean had got used to deal with his feelings on his own. He would only call Sam when it became too much to bear, because he knew for a fact that Sammy would always be his light in the darkest of times.

But Sammy had other commitments. Sammy was soon going to be a family man, a husband, potentially a father very soon, too. And Dean felt bad for tarnishing this aura of happiness that had surrounded Sam and Jessica since they had decided to get married and move in together. Everything was falling into place for them, and Dean could not be happier. And thus, he did not want to spoil that happiness with his own dark thoughts. The NSPL was the next best option. 

“Thank you for reaching out, my name is Castiel. How can I help you today?” 

Dean’s throat tightened at the sound of the pleasant and friendly voice on the other line. A man, no doubt. Somehow, the fact that Dean was talking about his feelings to another man made the whole ordeal seem even more awkward. He considered hanging up. 

“I understand that it must be difficult to find the words to explain what is happening in your mind right now. Just know that it’s ok if you wish to hang up, we won’t judge you for doing so. But if you decide to stay on the line I will do everything in my power to make you feel better”

The man’s words, tough meaning to be comforting, made Dean feel even more nervous. He was not used to that kind of kindness and consideration anymore. It felt so overwhelming to have someone understand how he felt without him needing to speak that Dean felt tears well up in his eyes. 

“I don’t know where to start” he admitted, his voice croaking as he tried to keep it all together. 

“Well, how about we start with something very simple. Would you care to give me your name and location?”

“Dean Winchester, Lawrence Kansas…” Instructions worked best for Dean. It was something he had got used to in the army. When asked a straightforward question, you give a straightforward answer. 

“Hello, Dean”, the voice greeted him again, “it is very nice to get to know you. Are you alone right now?”

“Yes”

“How about you tell me about your day so far. I want to hear every detail” 

Dean tried to remember what he had done through the day but most of the information seemed boring and useless in this kind of situation. He had been close to a panic attack, yet the man on the phone was trying to make small-talk. Dean wasn’t sure how to react.

“I… I got up this morning, made breakfast. Scrambled eggs and three slices of bacon. I ate two spoonsful of eggs and a slice of bacon, and threw the rest away. Then I went out for a morning run and ran for three miles, along the river. I came back, showered and then went down to watch some TV. There was nothing on, so I switched through the channels and seeing that adverts were on, I got up to grab a cold one. When I came back I noticed a war documentary on the Vietnam war…” At that moment, Dean was reminded what had nearly triggered a panic attack and his breath caught in his throat. He could see the images of American soldiers shooting at Vietnamese women and children, he could see the faces of Viet Cong soldiers and the corpses of dead GIs. All of this reminded him of his own companions who had died on the battle field, and how he was still alive. 

“Dean, are you still there? I am here to help you get through your experience. It seems to me like this documentary triggered something in you, would you mind talking about that?”

“Why me? Why did I survive and the other ones died? I have nothing to live for here. I have no family, no wife, no children. My friends, they had wives, girlfriends, fiancés, daughters, sons, mothers, fathers… I have no one…” Tears were now streaming freely down Dean’s cheeks and he could not hold back his desperate sob any longer. 

“Tell me Dean, do you have friends? Old school friends, distant relatives maybe? Anyone who would have contact with you on a regular basis? It could even be the butcher you go buy your bacon from, or the baker you buy your bread from… anyone at all?”

“Well…” Dean said, realizing his mistake, “I have my brother, Sammy. But he’s getting married in less than a month and it’s not his job to fix his broken mess of a brother…”

“I’m sure Sammy would disagree with that. Dean, can we try a thought experiment?” Castiel asked. Dean, feeling he had no other alternative, agreed to give it a try. 

“Now remember, if any stage of this thought experiment makes you feel uncomfortable let me know straight away, agreed?”

“Agreed”

“Perfect. Now imagine yours and Sammy’s roles were reversed. Your brother was the one coming back from the war and you were the one getting married. You find out that Sammy is having a hard time dealing with the things he saw and the loss he has encountered throughout his mission. Now, imagine your brother telling you that under no circumstance you should worry about him. You should prioritise your wedding, not take care of your brother. This is not your responsibility. What would you tell him?”

Dean thought about it for a second and it did not take him long to come up with an answer. 

“Sammy, you are my brother and I love you. I will not rest until I know that you can sleep soundly at night without seeing those horrible things flash before your eyes every time you close your eyes. I will postpone my wedding if I have to, but I want you to be there and I want you to be healthy and happy. So, I won’t leave, please talk to me…”

“What if your brother implored you not to postpone your wedding? What if he promised you that he’d go get professional help? Would you leave him be?” Castiel asked. 

“No. I would pick out a specialist, I would send him to the very best, I would pay for it. He has experienced enough trauma when we were kids with our mother dying. Our father recently just passed away after years of not reaching out to us. I can’t let him fight this on his own…” 

“Now Dean, I am convinced that you would genuinely care about your brother’s health and do all the things you just enunciated. But can I ask you a question?”

“Yes.”

“It seems to me like you don’t believe that you are worth being treated in the same way… do you have an idea why this might be the case?” 

And suddenly, Dean saw it. He had always been the big brother to Sam. It had always been his role since their mother had passed away and their dad had picked up more shifts to support his two young sons. When Dean joined the army, he raised 250$ to pay for Sam’s registration fees. Sam was smart, he had been awarded a scholarship to go to law school and he had done brilliantly well. And Dean had always been there to support him, even when he was away on missions. The only letters he ever wrote were addressed to Sam. Sam was his everything. 

“That is admirable, Dean” Castiel said sounding impressed, and Dean only realized then that he had said all those things out loud. 

“I wish I had someone who cared as much about me as I care about my brother. I know it’s selfish, but deep down I wish that I was someone’s everything. I wish I was someone’s main priority” Dean felt pathetic and hated that he was such an emotional mess. But that was how he felt. He desperately wished for someone to care, for someone to make him his priority. 

“Well Dean, let me tell you something. You are incredibly brave and you have a heart of gold. People like you are hard to come by and it warms my heart to know that goodness such as you have displayed over the years towards your brother is not dead yet. And more importantly Dean, you are my priority right now. I will do my best to walk with you through this stormy moment you are facing. You have been the protector for a very long time, now it is my job to protect you from your dark thoughts”

Dean felt his heart swell with gratitude when Castiel spoke those words. He could not believe that talking to a random stranger made him feel so cared for, so important. He felt like all the pain and suffering he had witnessed, felt, even caused sometimes… all of that meant nothing right now, it had vanished. 

“You have no idea how much this means to me, Castiel. I can’t remember the last time someone was so kind and understanding about my situation as you are…” And for the record, it still felt weird to say this to a man. But Dean did not care. The feeling that Castiel had given him by saying those words felt God-sent.

“It makes me happy to know that I was helpful. Is there anything else you would like to discuss with me? Bear in mind, I have time for you Dean. So, don’t hang up because you feel like you are taking away someone else’s time. Right now, it’s only you who matters to me”

Dean smiled. For the first time in weeks, he felt like there was a light at the end of the tunnel.


End file.
